I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
