So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
