She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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