I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
