I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
