There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize