Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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