Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
