you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm really busy with my period
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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