I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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