I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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