I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
