I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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