Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
