The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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