Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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