I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
