so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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