You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
