i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
