u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
