If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
