Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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