Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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