I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize