and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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