yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
