I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
