this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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