Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
