You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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