You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
