Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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