totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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