found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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