Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
