We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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