I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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