I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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