Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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