everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
