My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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