I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Randomize