i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
