Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
