Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
i've created a new STD.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
