I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
