he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
