Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
