the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
