we have officially lost it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
