Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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