So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
