why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
