Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
