So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
