It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
