Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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