What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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