it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
