she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
birth control should be required to get into college
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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