If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
