where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
