i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize