There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
