you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
