a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
