I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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